Shaquille O'Neal rehabbing at Meadow Wind Nursing Home! Other residents are tired of looking up.

Noticeably absent from the Cavalier’s bench during games, it has been confirmed that Shaquille O’Neal has begun rehabilitation at Meadow Wind Nursing Home following his recent thumb surgery. O’Neal, while a resident at Meadow Wind, will receive age-appropriate and intensive physical therapy.

Although he is not the youngest resident at Meadow Wind, O’Neal is certainly the largest, and therapists have been forced to make accommodations. Needing to open an additional can of Play-Doh, therapists discovered they were out and borrowed pizza dough from the nursing home’s kitchen. O’Neal kneaded enough dough with his ailing hand to create a 60” diameter pie. Always the opportunist, O’Neal consumed the entire pizza that night at dinner.

The nursing home has been buzzing with activity since O’Neal checked-in. Last night’s movie was Kazaam. Sadly, no resident, including Shaq, managed to stay awake for the entire film. And, two residents were hospitalized for nasal irritation while viewing it. On a more humorous note, Shaq does not remember making the movie, but informed readers have to wonder if Shaq’s forgetfulness isn’t born out of embarrassment. Admittedly, O’Neal did have a big day after a visit from friends and former teammates, Elgin Baylor and George Mikan.

It is also rumored that O’Neal has been secretly working to regain the foot speed he had as a younger player. His hard work appears to be paying off. Reports are that he was able to run away from Meadow Wind’s current sprint record holder, Amos Sheegog. Sheegog, 87-years-old, became enraged after his girlfriend questioned Shaq about the proportionality of his anatomy. It seems Shaq is always embroiled in controversy, this race was no exception. Tape from O’Neal’s bandaged thumb latched onto Sheegog’s walker and kept the younger man from using it. Still fleet of foot despite this handicap, Sheegog nearly caught the running O’Neal.

In a related story, the Cavaliers are working hard to forge a deal and resign Zydrunas Iglauskas. They have to. The team has been has been notified by NBA Commissioner, David Stern, that they are in violation of the league’s Equal Opportunity policy. Once Iglauskas was traded, the team no longer had any players on their active roster who lacked color. Known as "Garth’s Rule" for country singer Garth Brooks, league policy dictates that the all teams must have at least one player that subtantially “disappears during shirts and skins practices.”

The Cavs hoped to be granted an exemption, claiming that Austin Carr’s association with the team complied in spirit with the policy. However, the league ruled that Carr’s preppy first name, his obvious discomfort while on camera, his homespun and corny phrases like “Get that weak stuff outta’ here!“ and his Notre Dame alumnus’ snobbery are insufficient to qualify him. In addition, they found that he is not on the Cavalier’s active roster.

Cavalier’s General Manager, Danny Ferry was caught off guard when he was notified of the team’s violation by the league. “I wasn’t aware,” was his response. He quickly added, “I make decisions and create deals to constantly improve this team. It only makes sense that this would happen by natural attrition.